I’M BACKKKK!!! I know it’s literally been a year since I posted here. A lot has happened since my last post and I apologize for not being able to give an update on my epiphanies. Originally, I was supposed to post this blog during the same month last year, but halfway through its writing, I felt overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions I was feeling. This blog triggered horrible memories of mine to the point where I found myself having mental breakdowns even on minor inconveniences. It caused me to be in a slump for the rest of the year, that I cannot even write or finish a blog about anything.
But now that I am in a much better state of mind, I decided to pick up where I left off and continue writing. Hopefully, I will be more active in posting updates compared to last year.
With that being said, I just want to let you all know that this blog is very close to my heart as it exposes a vulnerable part of me. I did some minor revisions to make it more suitable in the present days and not by any means, send a misleading message to everyone. Every word that I used was deeply thought of. Owing to the fact that writing this blog comes from a place of healing, and not of hatred.
Disclaimer: You may disagree with everything I’m about to say because I am well aware that every person is unique. Therefore, everyone copes differently in their own ways. I wrote this blog not to stir any drama or spread hate to anyone. But rather, to help fully accept my personhood, my whole being, over things that I intentionally decided on.
In life, there will always be people who will tell you that you are not good enough. The same way some people will never forget to remind you how extra you are. Most of the time, they’ll let you know without muttering the exact words. You’ll know it simply by sensing from their judgmental whispers and glares. But amidst the uproar noise and the shattering silence, there is only one voice you should listen to: Yourself. You see, not everyone will understand your journey – and that’s OKAY. It’s not for them you do it in the first place. Their inability to see your worth does not and should not affect the way you live your life. It is a waste of life to pursue an image of you created by other people.
In the wise words of Jackson Dominique, “My life is not for someone else to accept”.
She explained how acceptance and tolerance puts people on a pedestal – as if we assume that they have some kind of power over us. We seek these acceptances and treat it as a validation and we don’t even realize how degrading that is until we find ourselves struggling in an unequal position. From that point, I realized that people may only understand me and my situation, but never as far as accepting my whole being. Because acceptance should only come from me and me only.
The other day, I came across a Facebook post that really resonated to my core. As the author says, growth can’t be found in detaching yourself from toxic people, but rather in surrendering that part of yourself that believes you need them in the first place. Oftentimes, we cling onto unhealthy relationships in hopes of making it still work, but we’re just truly blinded with the remnants of the past. When you refuse to acknowledge the part of you that believes you are worth more than you are receiving, you’re restricting yourself from growing. Learn to love the sound of your feet walking away from tables that no longer serve you peace and genuine happiness. Walk away without an explanation. And never look back with the regret of doing so. Remember, it is not your obligation to explain why you saved yourself. Because when you cut off people, chances are they handed you the scissors. End those suffocating relationships regardless of how thick the blood is or how long you’ve been together – fitting in doesn’t mean belongingness.
Two years ago, I dealt with what I believe to be the greatest challenge of my teenage years. There are problems we face that change us forever. And this was it for me; the peak of my teenage mess. I’ve done things I’m not proud of and learned life lessons the hard way. Although I emerged triumphant, it cost me treasures I cannot reclaim.
One of the hardest pills a person should swallow is that the world does not revolve around you. The people you love have their own life interests, other circle of friends, and ladder of careers to pursue that does not include you! And that’s okay because these are steps of improving oneself. There’s nothing wrong with outgrowing other people. But if you feel uncomfortable by this inevitable truth, then maybe it’s time for you to take a few steps back and reflect. To hinder one’s growth by neglecting them is an act of insecurity. And boy, have I been neglected and casted away so much by different sets of friends and relatives to finally understand what I am trying to say. I’ve spent so much time feeling sorry for myself helplessly trying to save relationships that give zero value to my absence, much more to my presence. I’ve carried plenty of emotional baggage that does not belong to me and crossed rivers for people I loved – only for my loyalty to be questioned in the end.
But in the process of metamorphosis; Of losing friends and failing relationships, comes an opportunity of meeting yourself in a more intimate level. And along that journey of self-discovery, you will cross paths with people who understand you better and see you for who you are.
This little infinity that I found within me is a reminder to look at myself through the lenses of my own eyes, not of others. Because I define myself with the things that I love and live by, not with what happened to me. People may have withered my days with disempowering beliefs, deceit and injurious falsehood. But growth extends forward into a new season. A season where truth and kindness prevails. My season.
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